Chapter 2

"But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart." - Matthew 5:28 (NKJV)

That bible verse was an introduction to the inner turmoil, shame and guilt I feel that is centered around lust. It goes beyond the act of any type of fornication, it's about the guilt I endure for feeling it, wanting it and feeling like I'm losing control in my body because of it. I am aware of the new world, sexual freedom and the importance of taking ownership of your body and I am in no way advocating for repression or perversion or the like, I'm just speaking about my own experience.

Guilt and shame are two emotions I have struggled with and those two emotions have often created a 'wedge' between me and God, making me feel like I'm not good enough to even pray because of what I saw as the ultimate fall from grace due to my thoughts, feelings, actions and emotions.
Holding myself to a ridiculously high standard and having to be the "perfect girl" has been a trauma wound that has affected me my whole life.
("I choose the path of depravity for my own self preservation." quoted from the Why Wait Chapter page)

Lately, I have felt out of control in certain situations which has made me feel like a terrible person and I wish I could go back and erase my thoughts and actions before they had ever come to fruition. The "A" on her shirt represents the scarlet letter, the snake representing temptation, the devil and the snake spirit leviathan, the plants and fruit on her head represent the apple in the Garden of Eden and the fact that it replaces her head represents shame and guilt in the same way Adam and Eve hid behind the bushes due to shame after realising the extent of their sin because of their actions, and the spiral in the background shows the never ending loop influenced by the snake.

The point here is that even what the world views as liberation causes me to have a guilty conscious and a fight within myself, even the most innocent of actions taint my warped view of myself and the expectations I hold inside of me, making me feel shame because in my world, it's not just the action but everything that leads up to it that has me feeling grimy but I try to do and be better everyday.

I'm highly aware of the fact that this has everything to do with upbringing and conditioning and it's something I have to let go of and heal, I'm just being extremely honest and truthful about how I think and about my day-to-day experiences. I'm a juxtaposition who lies at extreme ends of the spectrum, always. Juxtaposed in the way I celebrate the freedoms of the world and the people around me while constricting and restricting myself internally. Juxtaposed in the love, compassion and kindness I give to the world but the harshness I give to myself and finally juxtaposed in knowing the small things I do aren't as bad as I make them seem in my head but viewing them as the end of the world and thinking that they make me a terrible person.

This chapter is rather short because it's something I really struggle with and torture myself over, it's a wound that needs to be healed but creating this art and writing this journal entry is part of that healing process. Shame lies in secrecy and it's the silent killer most of us aren't willing to talk about, so as I don my Scarlet Letter and wave a white flag at my inner anarchy, I take the first step in healing, acceptance and truth, the first step in release and relief and I hope if anyone else relates to this, it starts the healing process for them too.

Midnight's Madness Chapter 2 summary: I'm a carnal creation battling, rejecting and struggling to ignore the carnal side of myself.
Go figure.